Monday, October 15, 2007

My Mother Knows Me All too Well

She knows that when I grow silent and don't have much to say it can sometimes mean I'm in a bad place on an emotional level. I withdraw from people and everything when I'm not happy while I try to get a handle on what the problems are and work through them. It seems the problems this past year and a half have been numerous and there has been much struggle. It's been exhausting and sometimes I just need to be a hermit for a while.

I'm treading water at the present trying not to drown, while I wait out time to change the things only time can change. Of course I'm actively working inwardly too on what is within my power to change, doing battle on my own terms and wrestling with the things that dominate my mind, my heart, my world...but at the present time it is a lot to contend with and my batteries are in desperate need of a recharge.

I wanted to camp out last night so bad. The weather turned very fall like...misty, cool, quiet. The nostalgia of it bowled me over as I remembered some of the places I winter camped that had the same air of beautiful silence and a profound natural peace that one has to experience first hand to have a clue what I'm talking about. It didn't help matters that I cleaned out the trunk of my car yesterday finally taking out my back packing gear that I sometimes can't bear to look at because of the painful ache and longing it provokes...sometimes causing the tears to run hard. Our world and our time are so fragile...

6 comments:

Sharon said...

It is hard to be patient and let time change those issues that are bothering you right now. While waiting, go to other things that make you happy. Your garden is one I can think of. Or go to the bookstore and get a good read.

Get out of the house! Call a friend and go to lunch...

Most of all, know you are loved by your family. I'm here for you whenever you need me.

Ginny said...

Family is something I can always be grateful for and has always been important to me.

On the subject of gardening, I did some a couple of days ago. It's such a mess again and I am astonished at how quickly it gets out of control when I'm not working it.

You mention doing other things that make me happy. Well I try. Art, writing, and poetry, which all swirl around in my head most of the time, have always been a good outlet for me.

But sometimes I can't get things into tangible form and it all stays stuck in my head a while. Which is a frustration all it's own. Either I'm too down to express myself actively, or I'm simply un-inspired.

How I manage is to break things down into smaller pieces that I can work on later. I don't want to forget anything so I write things down in a separate journal.

I jot down ideas for art projects as they come, lines of poetry here and there for later musing, ideas for blog posts, recipes, brainstorms, issues I want to work on, etc...

And when I'm up to it I can go back and filter through some of what popped into my head at the time. If I come across an art project that is worthwhile, I eventually pursue it. I guess that is part of my creative process regardless of what prompts it.

Jen has been reading some interesting things to me lately. I might come back later in a separate post and talk about it.

Sharon said...

You are doing all you can do to work out things. I like your ideas of jotting down ideas to come back to later.

Sean the Blogonaut F.C.D. said...

Sorry to hear you are having troubles Ginny. I don't know what to say. Other than on the Battery charging thing, I hear you sister.

Good luck

Sean the Blogonaut F.C.D. said...

or "chin up ya we pixie"

Ginny said...

Thanks Sean. :)