I haven't heard a word from my father in about eight years then a couple of days ago he emailed me and attached a couple of pictures. I'm struggling with what to do about it. There is a lot of back story of course as to why I haven't heard from him in eight years and why I am struggling with having contact. It is all far too complicated to go into now.
It's funny how I thought I had lain to rest many of the issues where he is concerned only for them to come rushing back in with his contacting me. This time it is different however. I see things from a different perspective. I don't feel anger at all towards him anymore. I feel sadness mostly and regret. There are many things I feel I need to say and I don't know how to say them or if they would even come to rest on ears that can truly hear.
One thing my father is good at is sweeping things under the carpet. He is good at evading and not keeping things real. He is good at denial. I wish we could come to some sort of place of healing and understanding before he dies, but I truly don't know if that is possible as long as he clings to these traits. I think deep down my father is miserable and has been his whole life. I think there is a lot of hard core emotional pain that is too difficult for him to face. I think I understand him better than he could possibly know.
My dad could have done amazing things with his life had mental illness not been in the way. He has a genius all his own when it comes to being an artist and being creative. If only he didn't have so many things going against him, including himself. I will think on these things a while...
It's funny how I thought I had lain to rest many of the issues where he is concerned only for them to come rushing back in with his contacting me. This time it is different however. I see things from a different perspective. I don't feel anger at all towards him anymore. I feel sadness mostly and regret. There are many things I feel I need to say and I don't know how to say them or if they would even come to rest on ears that can truly hear.
One thing my father is good at is sweeping things under the carpet. He is good at evading and not keeping things real. He is good at denial. I wish we could come to some sort of place of healing and understanding before he dies, but I truly don't know if that is possible as long as he clings to these traits. I think deep down my father is miserable and has been his whole life. I think there is a lot of hard core emotional pain that is too difficult for him to face. I think I understand him better than he could possibly know.
My dad could have done amazing things with his life had mental illness not been in the way. He has a genius all his own when it comes to being an artist and being creative. If only he didn't have so many things going against him, including himself. I will think on these things a while...
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I agree with you my sister. Completely.
I haven't seen my father since Feb. 14th 2006. I finally decided after many years that his alcoholism and his complete and utter refusal to accept any responsibility for well, anything was just too much for me to endure. Like you I have feelings for my father, but when his crap started affecting the Monkey Man, it was a done deal. I'm an adult and can understand how screwed up he is and accept him for what he is, but I couldn't reconcile things when I saw the same shit happening with my sweet boy. He's little and just doesn't have the coping mechanisms for that kind of dysfunction. So I can completely understand your hesitance and yet your desire to make amends. I, personally, felt very liberated and very relieved to finally just tell him I was done and why. I still think about him and I still see people with great relationships with their father and it makes me sad, but I finally came to a point in my life that my sanity and my son were more important than the blood I share with my father. Good luck on your journey and I hope regardless of what decision you make you are at peace with. We should have a beer sometime!
Hey Sis! It's so cool to be able to say that. :)
Hey girlgriend! I agree we should have a beer sometime, but in my case it has to be gluten free hahahah :)
I still haven't decided what to do about my dad. I'm so terribly torn. I wonder how long I can sit on the fence about this.
He has been emailing and I can see that he is trying to make amends...but I can't help but be suspicious of alterior motives. He is getting old after all...maybe he is hoping one of his children will take him in eventually when he is an old man...which I would never do.
But maybe he truly does want to try to make up for some of the bad stuff...who knows. And therein lies the conundrum. I will never know for sure one way or the other because I can't trust him.
update on my dad:
he is forgiven. Yes just like that. moving forward...
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