Friday, February 09, 2007

Thoughts of Self

When I was a kid around the age of 8, I day dreamed about living out in the wild somewhere in my own hand built log cabin. It would be close to a river in the tree line and I would have rich fertile land to grow my food. I would hunt as well and use the skins to warm myself in the winter or for bedding and clothing. I created every detail in my mind about how my cabin would look and what all the things in it would be like. I would have a wolf or two for protection and birds, racoons, rabbits, and all kinds of other animals as companions. Hey I was 8, what can you expect?

The funny thing is, while I was busy planning my future life of adventure in the wild, my girlfriends' minds were filled with images of living in a Barbie Mansion with servants and closets full of glamorous clothes. While they were playing with their dolls and chatting about their silly girly things, I was either watching Grizzly Adams(probably too much of it), exploring a creek, or climbing trees. The life of the tomboy was for me and it was grand.

Thankfully I haven't outgrown it. I still want to romp around in the woods(and do) and would love to own a cabin on some beautiful property out in the wilderness someday. I want to climb mountains and meet fellow adventurers who are as committed to their natural world as I am, or at least as desperate to connect to it the way I am. But it goes beyond that.

I should explain what this inner tomboy thing means to me. It's part of who I am, but not entirely what one might think when they hear the word tomboy. It doesn't necessarily mean getting my hands dirty or wanting to go out four wheeling. It doesn't mean I don't like being feminine and using my beguiling womanly charms when necessary. Nor is it entirely about craving nature and earthy experience, or being one of the guys, but rather it's about an inner spark that gives me an edge. It makes me the independent thinker I am. It gives me the ability to speak up and let my voice be heard. It gives me the ability to be tough when I need it. It sets the tone for my non-conventional ways and makes my life richer. And I must say it's something I feel extremely fortunate to have.

Life's events brought me to the place where I am now. I'm happily married, have a great family, awesome friends, etc...but my inner tomboy is restless and it's difficult to ignore. I feel like I've been too sedentary and haven't lived up to my full potential. I need something more and have to do something about it while I still have time. I always wanted to accomplish personal greatness to the best of my ability and I have yet to live up to that. But I'm a work in progress and some things I want to achieve will have to wait until my children are older.

Some women would read this and think I am being selfish and that I should be completely fulfilled by the sheer fact that I got married and had kids. They would chide me for wanting and needing more and probably call me ungrateful. But screw all goes back to that tomboy thing. Some of us lucky gals got it, and some of us didn't. I'm not done and want to squeeze every drop of happiness and excitement out of life I can. It's the only one I have and I don't want to waste it.

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